I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
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