My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
