I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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