she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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