im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
