my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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