Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
