it hurts more in the daytime
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
