Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
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He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
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I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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