marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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