Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
