Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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