I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Sorry about my life...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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