heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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