Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
