I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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