he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
