We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
