My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
