I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
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He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
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Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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