I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
