You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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