I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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