you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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