There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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