I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
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These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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