Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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