My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
