we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I want her autograph on my taint
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
