I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
you had me at cake vodka
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
