I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Randomize
