if you like me you must not know who I am
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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