90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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