I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
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"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
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She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.