i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
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No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
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I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.