I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
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Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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