Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Randomize
