I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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