Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
