i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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