Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
