What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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