well I can't set my house on fire every night
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
