why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
