I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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