get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
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its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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