hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Every concussion has its silver lining
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
