I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize