First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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