his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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