u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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