I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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