i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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