i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
