so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
