Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
