Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
