Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
