You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
