Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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