the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
