so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
