he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
