you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
